[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
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wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Has science gone too far?
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…