when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
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You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Why is this me 😫
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Pat is about to own someone