If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
You Might Also Like
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
the simulation is moving too fast
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see