Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
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I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?