*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
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If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful