My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
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Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd