WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
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“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Not today, today.
Not today.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
felt that
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.