I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
You Might Also Like
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Goat cheese is for herders.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍