her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
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I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Wise advice
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]