“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
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publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Great Canadian literature.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne