Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
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A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
felt that
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Doggies just call it style.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.