guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
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Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
two people or more is called a problem
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Free him
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that