Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
You Might Also Like
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Guys, I found it.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Left at a local drug store…
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??