“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
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🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Anime is real
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.