Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
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I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
i did the math
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!