ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
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Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.