Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
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Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
this independent good boy don’t need no human
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I know karate and tons of other words.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy