“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
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[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?