ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
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Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Mornin
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?