Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
You Might Also Like
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.