Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
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My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
When news reporters do sports stories
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son