Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
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The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?