I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
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Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
just got my engagement photos
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.