Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
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I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me