I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
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Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
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Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.