I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
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scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Stop.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant