Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
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We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.