He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
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Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck