I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
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[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.