I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
You Might Also Like
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
john wicks are toilet candles
sigh
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I need a headline like this
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now