How do you milk an almond?
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[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…