ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
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Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*