I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
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“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”