HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
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My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
relationship goals
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.