The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
You Might Also Like
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”