boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
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me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
He died doing what he loved: being alive
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
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obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.