Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
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ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
u spoke cat all this time??????
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem