idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
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INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Who did it better?
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Love is in the air fryer.