can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
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Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]