Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
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Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Love this guy
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?