Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
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Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.