I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
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The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.