My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
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You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
My love language is hissing.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Not all heroes wear capes.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.