My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
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When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please