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I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Can’t. Being lazy.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.