The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
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All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.