Best spot.. 😅
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Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN