The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
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Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
no refunds
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.