Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
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I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I’m aging like a fine banana
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true