Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
You Might Also Like
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.